Flat Water

Well what fun that was.

If I ever tell you that I’m going to go to the cinema, please ask me if I have sufficiently researched the film I’m going to see.  And if I say “Oh, yes, it’s won lots of Oscars”, just ask me “what is the shape of water?”.  That’ll bring me back down to earth and ensure I don’t make the same bloody mistake again.

What a load of CRAP.

The storyline has a mute falling in love with a sea-god and which, had I done any research at all, would have warned me off right from the very start.   As it turned out the movie covered just about every PC issue known to the Law Society, the Commission for Human Rights and the RSPCA put together.  And there were more holes in the storyline than my best colander and had more corn than Kelloggs!

To give you a clue:

  • The leading lady was unattractive
  • She was a mute
  • and her best friend at work was black and
  • They worked as cleaners, who were implied as unimportant workers
  • at a government establishment which carried out top secret work
  • yet they had unsupervised access to a highly sensitive area.

I haven’t decided who classified as the lead actor as there were three vying for that position –

  • Leading male 1 was a Merman (male mermaid) (good guy).
  • Leading male 2 was a male chauvinist pig (bad guy).
  • Leading male 3 was a balding, unemployed homosexual artist (wow a 4-in-1!) and was another good guy. He was also the l-lady’s other best friend and neighbour.
  • Supporting Actor was a Russian agent (very topical at the time of going to press).
  • The black cleaner and No.3 both had an excellent understanding of sign language.
  • 2 could be done for animal cruelty at the drop of a hat as he chained up No.1 in a pool and poked him with a taser rod, though he was able to reach over the open sided edge of this watery prison, which seemed a bit at-odds.
  • 2 was also partial to a bit of sexual harassment at work and at home
  • We didn’t have to wait long for the leading lady to indulge in nudity
  • and No.2 having the gratuitous sexual intercourse with his wife was quite athletic.
  • Then the owner of a café showed serious racial discrimination by refusing to serve a black couple who happened to walk into his empty bar
  • before he was sort of propositioned by No.3 which didn’t go down too well.
  • Then the Russian agent, who was actually quite a good guy offered to help the leading lady to set free the very scaly hunk, No.1
  • who it transpired had the most amazing healing hands (albeit big and scaly).
  • Unfortunately he also had a penchant for eating cat, which No.3 was amazingly tolerant of, given it was his
  • Everything had been going well with a dollop of bestiality for good measure between the leading lady and No.1 before his release into the wild
  • when we witnessed a spot of torture inflicted on the nice Russian by No.2 (he really is a nasty oke).
  • Then the chauvinistic, skiviing husband of the black cleaner grassed on the leading lady to No.2
  • He of course tracked down the unlikely lovers just as they were saying gesticulating their tearful goodbyes and shot the pair of ‘em. But of course Mr Hunky Healing Hands brought himself back to life and wiped out the bad guy
  • before jumping with his leading lady into his watery world where it appeared she also came back to life, and transformed into a watery wench, before fading into the credits.

So there you have it.  No need to cough up £15 for a cinema ticket in the UK now, though we were lucky as our cinema only charged €5.50 each for the privilege of having our intelligence insulted.

Now if Mel Brooks had directed the film, it would have been a whole different kettle of fish!

I wonder what’s showing next week…?

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8 comments

  1. I’m still laughing Ann! Well we did a bit better. Our tickets cost E5 each as we went on pensioners’ night – normally E6 to see GET OUT. If we’d not been sitting in the middle of the row we would have. White girlfriend takes black boyfriend home to meet mum and dad – long shot as they welcome him. Black maid and gardener seem a bit strange, zombie-like. Big party, black lead makes for the only other toyboy black guest who is also very strange. Boyfriend finds photos of girlfriend with lots of other black boyfriends gets frightened after being hypnotized by g’friend’s mother. Lots of odd strange behaviour going on, then they tie him up, as they are doing to take part of his brain away to give to a white person (Isn’t this exciting?) He escapes, everyone chases, there is a bloodbath and boyfriend escapes in a taxi driven by his best friend who just happens to be passing. Must go post this on my timeline and warn others 🙂

  2. Oh dear Ann, not your cuppa at all…. if you want to go and see a ‘feelgood’ movie, I thoroughly recommend The Greatest Showman’ . Kelly asked me to go, like you I did no research. When it started I thought “Oh dog , not a musical…please no ! I came out thinking ,what a great film and I would go and see it again. A must see.

  3. Thanks Ann, that saves me a trip to have my intelligence insulted. I don´t know how some of these films get made.

    1. Especially when you consider it won Oscars, Louise! It beggars belief how it even got nominated. There must be some pretty dumb people out there.

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